The blogging blues

Well I was waiting to write another post until I had something EXTRAORDINARILY interesting to talk about but it seems that’s not going to happen.

So…I guess I could tell you about the 2 failed dates I’ve been on recently. They weren’t exactly train wrecks, but a walk in the park is far from the truth.

When you meet someone, there’s a lot of things that happen. Two very important ones are the following:

Attraction.

And

Chemistry.

Two MAJOR and even mandatory qualities a successful relationship needs. Neither of which existed for my dates.

When I meet a guy, I first notice if he’s attractive or not. If he is, then I give him a chance and see how his personality is. If he’s not attractive then I wait and see if his personality makes up for it. Sometimes I find myself being drawn to them by both, sometimes I find myself being drawn to them by neither which then makes me stop and realize it’s something entirely different- desperation and/or loneliness.

Desperation- to feel a warm hand holding mine, a gentle hug or arm around my shoulder, or even a kiss.

Let me stop and say right now that desperation is a DANGEROUS thing.

It can trick you into thinking you actually like a person when in fact you only like the IDEA of them or what they may do for you.

On my dates, which were spaced weeks apart, I realized I could be just desperate to not be lonely anymore. Sad I know. Cry me a river.

Once I realize this I shut it down. Period. The end. No one (not even players) like feeling lead on. I know I don’t.

No matter how bad a date goes we mustn’t lose hope! I haven’t. Yet. Even though on my last date a bird pooped on me. Romantic, right?

At least that date didn’t try and rape my face. With his tongue. Just awful how guys think that will win a girl’s heart. I won’t even go into that.

Well that’s all the news that isn’t.

It’s hump day!

C

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Reversing my dating luck: step 2

desperate-women

 

When we are lonely for companionship or whatever the case may be, we tend to get desperate a.k.a. going out with that guy from your yoga class who you can’t seem to figure out if he’s straight OR meeting that guy from the bar that looks like he could be the next Ted Bundy. I could go on and on…

When I say desperate, I particularly mean:

 

a) lowering our standards

and

b) lowering our expectations.

 

Why do we do this to ourselves??? There are plenty of other fish in the sea! (I despise that saying even if it does make sense)

 

Usually when I go down this dark road, I snap out of it just in time to see the dead end looming up ahead, but not everyone is so fortunate.

I know of women who are NEVER single. Literally. They break up or get dumped by their boyfriend then a week later (if that) they have found another guy who they just KNOW is “the one”. It’s like a vicious cycle that doesn’t end. I can honestly say, I am not that type. Thank goodness.

 

It’s kind of like Shallow Hal. Hal sees what he WANTS to see, which isn’t what is actually in front of him. I think we do that.

SO WHAT if he’s a fat slob and jobless- he compliments me and will get a gym membership and a job when we start dating. SO WHAT if he’s barely 5 feet tall and I can’t wear heels around him, once I fall in love with him none of that will matter.

 

Now of course I try not to be THAT shallow, but I do have my standards.

 

Instead of getting to that stage, how can we reverse it to where it either doesn’t happen at all OR flies by with a passing glance?

 

Here’s how (according to me, not some dating guru):

1) Surround yourself with friends and/or family (people you love and have good times with)

2) Make a list of all the things you can’t do if you had a significant other (trust me, the list is long and pretty awesome)

3) Hang out with people who aren’t in relationships and/or don’t talk about how their boyfriend or girlfriend is just “so amazing” 24/7

 

I’ve realized when I’m not around people who are “taken”, I feel better about that aspect of my life and myself. It’s not a constant reminder- “hey you’re single and alone!”

But it does help with not constantly reminding you that you’re single and, dare I say it, FREE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

Didn’t think of that, did you?

My intentions of this post are NOT to discourage you from dating or getting a boyfriend/girlfriend in any way, it’s to help ease the pain (if there is any) of that tough in-between relationship stage.

So instead of laying around on the couch, watching romantic comedies, wishing you had a boyfriend as you desperately shovel ice cream into your mouth, you could be out having a blast with your pals and not even thinking about relationships!

It’s more healthy and less expensive since you won’t have to buy a whole new wardobe due to the weight gain from all of the ice cream and candy bars you’ve eaten.

 

 

C

Reversing my dating luck: step 1

desperate-woman (2)

 

So after my last post (and my last male interaction) I’ve decided to try to reverse my luck in the dating world.

In order to change something, you must first completely understand what you want to change. So yes that’s right, I must learn all there is to know about dating. Or as much as possible.

I’m old enough to know so this is a little embarrassing, but oh well I have no issues with being open about (most of) my flaws.

So there ya have it.

I’ve come up with a little list of critical mistakes women tend to make on a regular basis that, I guess you could say, detract men. I know personally because I’ve done them ALL before. More than once and I’m sad to say that could be why I’m single.

Before I tell you these, I’m warning you, they do sound a little pathetic.

1. Too much attention. Suddenly he’s just SO much more intriguing then he was a week ago when I didn’t realize I had feelings for him.

2. Too available. I could be at work or at school or with friends and any chance I get to text back or whatever, I take it. Mostly. It’s been 5 minutes since I texted him- what is HE doing?! Is he okay? Did he get in a wreck?

3. Too impatient. I don’t like waiting on the guy to make the first move and never have. That’s just me. Why wait around for him to contact me when I can just do it and get it over with? I gave him my number, but maybe I should text him first.

4. Too eager. You want to hang out 3 hours after we originally set up the date? Okay sure, I’ll push back whatever I had going on just for you. You don’t like sushi? Oh, well we can go eat at that restaurant I hate because I like you- no problem. You don’t like my hair long and blonde? Dang, alright I’ve been wanting to change it anyways. I hardly ever wear makeup, but you’d be crazy to think I’d go see him without it piled on. Uncomfortable undergarments? Check! Too bad if you have a permanent wedgie.

5. Too jealous. Suddenly since I think he’s adorable and sweet that has to mean every other female specimen that walks by does too. I don’t want him hanging out with any girls without me by his side because I know they will hit on him and steal him away from me.

6. Try too hard. Things don’t just happen on their own. No way! I should make them happen. Text him. Call him. Facebook him. Ask him out. Buy him dinner. Meet him at his place. Whatever it takes!

7. Too sexual. I know since he’s a guy he has to like sex so I’m going to dwindle that in front of him and do it with him to get closer. He had sex with me so he MUST like me. People told me to wait because it’d make me seem easy or he’d never call me again afterwards, but that can’t be true. He’s too nice. He must’ve just lost my number or broke his phone.

See how easy it is to twist our ideas, morals, and beliefs just so that we aren’t alone on date night while all our other happily taken friends go out on the town. Nah, it’s not just because of that. But damn we really do twist everything around and morph it into something it’s just simply not.

I call this what women are good at. Over analyzing. We make things so complicated in our heads.

He doesn’t like me?! That can’t be true! I’m pretty and funny with a good job. I’m successful. I have lots of friends. People like me. Well, of course they do and you are, BUT not every guy you like is going to return the feelings. You could be Gisele Bundchen or Megan Fox and some guy will turn you down or treat you like shit the same way a normal girl could get treated. Try and think of it as how you treat guys you’re not interested in. You can’t blame him!

C

There’s bad then there’s disastrous

life-as-we-know-it-bad-date-w724

 

The world of dating is a VERY scary place to begin with. Putting yourself out there is a ballsy move which I’ve bravely done many times just like billions of women do every day/all the time. I’m not a big fan of waiting.

What I experienced tonight wasn’t even a date and it was horrible. Actually, come to think of it, it was one of the worst times I’ve ever had with a guy I was romantically interested in. Yes, “was” as in past tense because I am definitely no longer interested.

No, I’m not exaggerating.

There are a few things I did that I shouldn’t have:

1. Broke my “no dating a younger guy” rule

2. Chased him instead of letting him chase me

3. Entertained the idea of dating a coworker

4. Assumed the guy in question picked up on my flirting and perceived his return flirting as romantic feelings for me

Those 4 things that I did sabotaged me from the beginning. I basically sabotaged myself in this situation. Yes, that sounds right.

I’m so embarrassed of how tonight (2.5-3 hours that we hung out) went that I’m going to spare you the details because it may cause you to slam your head into your computer monitor and/or keyboard repeatedly.

It was a disaster to put it mildly.

So learn from my mistakes because I sure did. That’ll be the last time I do any of those 4 mistakes again. Period. Especially all of them combined.

The end.

C

The right thing isn’t always the easy thing

The other day one of my friends told me about a rather interesting conversation she had had.

People’s ability to cheat and betray others they “love” always shocks me. I know there are evil people out there in the world, but it still shocks me.

Anyways…

 

My friend had gotten into this argument with a good friend of hers that lead to them not communicating for a few months. She finally decided that it was time to apologize and make things right. She doesn’t like to hold things like that inside. Before this unfolded, the friend’s boyfriend had contacted her and had told her he wanted them to make things right. She found it odd that he had randomly messaged her because they never talked when they weren’t around the friend/girlfriend, but she went along with it because she doesn’t like to assume things. Well…turned out nothing weird went on. At first.

She apologized to her friend and everything was fine. Luckily.

About a week or so later, the boyfriend texted her out of the blue. She thought it would be about the friend/girlfriend. She was wrong.

First of all, every time he talked to her he would always mention that she was gone or not around and that she shouldn’t contact him unless he talked to her first. We all thought this was fishy.

So he texted her and she couldn’t wait to let him know that she had apologized and everything. The friend/girlfriend hadn’t mentioned it to him at all. The boyfriend kept texting her and begging her to go hang out with him because his girlfriend (her friend) wasn’t going to be there one night. Of course my friend was like ‘no way that would be weird and even weirder without your girlfriend’s knowledge’. He argued that ‘it would be fine and that she would never find out’. Keep in mind that they’ve NEVER hung out alone or even talked without the friend/girlfriend being present.

I think anyone who reads that will think that’s the first sign of something being fishy. Fishy, as in, all you needĀ  is a little mayo and mustard and you have a tuna salad.

…she continued to text him (it was completely innocent on her part) when all of a sudden he announced that he had to make a confession. She had an idea of what he was going to admit. I mean, seriously, all she had to do was put 2 and 2 together.

He admitted…”I always kinda had a little thing for you…” BA DA BOOM!

why-do-men-cheat

There are a couple different ways someone could handle a sticky situation like this (all leading to VERY different consequences):

A) you could take him up on his offer (almost every girl thinks he’s attractive or so he says EXCEPT YOU) and possibly have a “fun” time BUT putting yourself at risk of being caught red-handed and never fully regain the friendship of the friend/girlfriend EVER again

B) you could stop talking to him cold turkey after letting him know what an ass he is for even suggesting something so absurd (how could you do THAT to a friend?! Especially one who has a baby with this guy)

C) be murdered- because that’s what would happen if this friend ever found out that you had snuck behind HER back with HER man- yes, she’s a little on the crazy side

My dear friend chose option…drum roll please…B.

First off, she let him know that he was NOT her type even if all other girls seemed to be attracted to him. Secondly, she let him know that it was a shitty thing to do to his long time girlfriend and child. Thirdly, she told him she could not talk to him that way. It was against all of her morals and just simply wrong in soooo many ways.

Plus she kept the conversation on file JUST IN CASE.

Of course after she shut him down, he started making up excuses.

I’ve been drinking..

I’ve never done that before..

Please don’t ever tell anyone!

And the best one of all… “I never liked you THAT way.

Blah, blah, blah.

Sorry man, busted!

Once you announce something like that and then get denied…it looks obvious and very pathetic when you take it back. Words can’t be taken back. They aren’t exchangeable or refundable. They are forever.

When she told me about this, I was flabbergasted. How could a guy who has a girlfriend and a beautiful baby do this? Yes, alcohol helps us do dumb things, BUT in the end it is still our option to go through with them.

Sorry (guy who shall not be named), you lose.

She has decided not to tell the friend/girlfriend because that would just lead to a bunch of drama. She simply chose to never speak to him again. I think she’s smart and handled the sticky situation awesomely.

Why men (and women sometimes) feel compelled to pull that crap is beyond me. I will never understand it. Sure, technically you’re single until you’re married, but still it’s betrayal!

 

On a lighter note, I have been so INSANELY busy with work and school that I have abandoned y’all and my book.

I am now a certified barista though. Go me!

Being a barista is a lot harder than we make it look to people on the outside. I was extremely stressed last week because I had finals. Only one, BUT that one was a tough b*tch.

I ended up studying for it 4 days total. Between work and school, I wasn’t able to study as much as I would have liked, but I still ended up making an A on it which was my goal. For some reason, ever since I started this school, I have made it my goal to make a 4.0 every semester. So far, I’ve done that. The day that doesn’t happen will be the day my life ends. Totally kidding! I will be doing my absolute best not to let that happen though!

 

Well, looks like the Easter bunny will be visiting many kids tomorrow. I talked to Mr. Bunny and he said he is super busy getting those baskets of goodies ready.

I unfortunately have to work šŸ˜¦

Maybe I’ll get lucky and the Easter bunny will come visit Starbucks.

 

Okay, gotta go! Happy Easter!

 

C

So easy to say…

Example:

When people are in happy, romantic relationships, it’s so easy for them to tell their single (and perhaps desperate/lonely) friends that the right “one” will come along, but when they go through a breakup they turn right back into the true cynic that they really are.

Do we truly believe the right “one” will ever come along or are we destined to remain pessimists who just hope they will find someone?

Life events happen that turn us towards both sides of pessimism and optimism.

You get your heart broken. You lose your job. You fail a class.

You fall in love. You get a promotion. You make straight A’s.

Can you only be one or the other?

I honestly don’t think someone can only be a pessimist or only an optimist. Even the most pessimistic people will feel a tingle of joy or happiness deep down inside when something great happens to them. Even the most optimistic people will feel a tinge of grief or unhappiness deep down when something horrible happens to them.

In relationships, whether it be friends, family, or romantic, I think there is a balance you have to create within yourself. You have to appreciate the pleasant times and grieve the tragic ones without dwelling on either of them. Once you dwell, you will focus too much on the good or the bad and when the opposite happens it will tear you apart more and more.

Throughout my life, I’ve gotten my heart brokenĀ  just like everyone else. The people I turn to first? My best friends. Every time I stress to them that I’m either not cut out for the romantic life or just seem to attract losers, they always say “you’ll find the right guy when you least expect it” OR “he’s out there”. That’s so hard to hear. It’s nearly impossible to keep that optimistic mindset after going through a traumatic and heart breaking event such as the guy you love breaking up with you.

Why is optimism so hard to hear when we are down and out?

I have caught myself saying these things to my friends and I just want to slap myself. They (and I) don’t want to hear that when we are going through it.

Why can’t we be honest with ourselves and our friends and just say “you may never find the right guy for you”?

Because it’s depressing and pessimistic.

Is it in our human nature to naturally be pessimistic because we enjoy being miserable?

oEhNT

It seems to me that being realistic is easier to do even if it means being a pessimist. To stay positive all the time and never think negatively about a situation is unbearable. But so is thinking negatively all the time.

Are optimists getting their hopes up just to be let down?

 

C

Serial offenders of the heart

If you’ve ever experienced love or even lust you’ve most likely been hurt. Even if you’re the one who did the breaking up, cheating, leading on, whatever it may be. It hurts to hurt people. Which leads to hurting yourself. Why do people hurt others over and over again? Whether it be physically or emotionally. I would think that learning the lesson once would solve that issue, but sadly that’s not the case at all. It’s like the criminals who rob candy stores or 7-11’s and get arrested. That’s most likely not their first offense which makes them look like idiots. Moving on!

I want to direct this question towards relationships. I see it more often than not and it really bothers me. No one is perfect, but we do hold the capacity to learn from our mistakes. Right? Right. For the cheaters out there, why do you cheat? I will admit I did it once and it hurt me (and the other person involved) so bad that it scarred me for life. Is it caused by selfishness? Yes. You do what YOU want no matter who it hurts. I did it so I know. What about the people who date the same people over and over again and continue to hurt them? A relationship does involve 2 people, yes, but if you really like or love someone who shouldn’t want to hurt them. If Betty doesn’t like how Bob treats her than she has 2 options. Well 3. A) she can dump him B) she can stay and endure it (with no one to blame but herself because now she knows) or C) kill him and dispose of his body in the river down the road. Most (I hope) don’t choose the latter answer because that will most likely end in pain and suffering in the local prison.

Do people deserve to be hurt? Is it a case of revenge? I have been cheated on (before I cheated) and tried my best to return the favor, but just could NOT bring myself to do it. I wanted revenge bad, but was very glad when I did not take it. You know the saying, “once a cheater always a cheater”? Well, that’s not always true. Just because I did it once does not mean I’ll do it repeatedly and just because my ex did it once doesn’t mean he’ll always do it. You’re probably wondering why I cheated since I knew how it felt? Love makes you do crazy things. And loneliness. Although I am not making excuses for myself. What I did was selfish and inconsiderate. I was dating a guy and hadn’t seen him in a couple weeks and discovered one of my exes to be a weakness. I won’t go in to detail, but after I did that I scorned myself for weeks. Months actually. Not only did I hurt myself, but also the boyfriend at the time and my ex. Think about it. Every time someone cheats they hurt multiple people and lose trust that they will NEVER gain back. You may not break up. They may give you another chance, but I can guarantee that they’ll never fully trust you again. Is it worth that? Hell no.

Another form of anguish, on the receiving end, could be being lead on. The guy/girl acts like they really like you by words and/or actions, but will change their mind in the blink of an eye. Literally. It’s like something snaps inside their heads and causes a whole change of events. Yes, you are allowed to change your mind, but make it up quickly so you don’t hurt people. I’ve tried to understand why this happens, meaning, I’ve asked straight out why they did it. I never got a straight forward answer. Ever. The excuses they use confuse me and themselves so I just continue not to know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Think about it. If you didn’t know you were cheated on that one time or told you weren’t good enough (lead on), you would never have hurt inside. Or hurt the other person physically. Hey, it happens. People get very angry and psychotic at times. And not just us “crazy” women. There is truth to that, but I see there being something worse. The issues could drag on and become a bigger problem if not addressed right away. Hell, you could end up falling in love with the person who cheated on you and marry them then one day while you’re dropping your kids off at soccer practice or taking a lunch break, you catch your “perfect” husband/wife with someone else. So I guess getting hurt in the beginning can be better than being hurt in the end. Either way it sucks.

I think the reason people hurt other people could be because as human beings we are selfish. That’s just human nature at it’s rawest. It could be a number of other things too. Or combined. Commitment issues. Fear. Abandonment. I am not justifying these problems as excuses for people to cheat or hurt in whatever way, but a person’s childhood has a lot to do with how they treat other people. I learned all about that in a few of the psychology courses I’ve taken. It helped me understand why people are horrible. It’s not fully their fault, but it is their choice to do it. Everyone has a choice. Everyone can change.

When I am hurt in a relationship, I do think men are pigs. NOT ALL MEN. Just some. Why settle for one when you can have 5, right? There are so many divorces these days that are caused by breaking the fidelity of marriage. I have never been married so I can’t speak for that by experience, but the vows you take on your wedding day should mean something to the both of you. That’s what relationships are all about. Being loyal and having trust in each other. Without trust, there’s nothing. Unless you have an open relationship then anything goes apparently, but for the more normal relationship types out there, it’s all about trusting each other. I know after I was cheated on, I never trusted him again. I was so bitter and bent on revenge that I became obsessed with it all. Everyone knows that an obsession can never lead to anything healthy.

After being hurt by these serial offenders, we must learn to accept it and move on. By moving on, I mean dump their asses and delete them out of your life. Shame on us for remaining in that situation. Once it happens, we should realize it is capable of happening again. Like the people who stay in abusive (physical and mental) relationships. I do feel bad that they were treated badly, but it is their choice to fight or flight. Sometimes it’s smart to just walk away no matter how hurt you are by it. It’ll only get worse.

The serial offenders out there may not even realize or fully understand how bad they are hurting others. The ones hurt may not share their feelings. Some people just don’t enjoy opening up and are very good at hiding it. They could feel embarrassed or ashamed.

If these offenders are never made aware of their actions, are they still bad for doing them?

We’ll see.

-Candice-