“Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?”
It’s ironic how this question had to be asked TODAY of all days. Isn’t that how life works?
Today was my first day back to school after the long (and awesome) holiday break.
As you may already know, my car hates me. It sits in my makeshift driveway broke down laughing at me because it knows what a pain in the ass it’s being. It’s been in the shop twice in the past couple of months and still refuses to cooperate. So I’ve been using my dad’s car, which let’s just say, isn’t exactly the coolest ride around. Anyways…
It’s about 8:30ish a.m. when I make it outside with my backpack to toss in the car and get it heated up. Well, what do ya know! It doesn’t start. This has never happened in my dad’s reliable car. Not only do I get to wake him up and ask him to come outside in the chilly weather, but I also get to break the news that his reliable car isn’t starting.
I would turn the key and nothing. NOTHING HAPPENED.
After my dad asks me, “are you shitting me?” I tell him no and go back outside. I’d rather stand out in the cold then see his sad and disappointed face.
About 15 minutes of utter terror, the car starts and I make it to school.
This has been a typical day lately. It seems I have a way with automobiles and it’s not a good one.
When this happens, I feel completely helpless. Not only because I don’t know ANYTHING about cars, but also because I made it happen and caused more stress on my poor ole dad.
It would be much different if he was a millionaire and could afford these mishaps as if they were junk change, but unfortunately that’s not the case.
He works his ass off at a job that he doesn’t like (who honestly likes their job?) then comes home and has to deal with his clumsy daughter.
What I hate most about feeling helpless is that I’m worthless during that time as well. Not the “I have no purpose in life” kind of way but the “damn it I can’t do anything to help” way. Which I call…WORTHLESS. And also helpless. I know it’s not good for my self-esteem to say things like that about myself, but it’s so hard not to. If you have feelings and a caring heart…it’s damn near IMPOSSIBLE.
I like to be in control of events that happen around me and to me, but life doesn’t allow that very often.
Too bad magic carpets don’t exist.
Or strapping my backpack to a donkey and riding it to school. It would be so much better for the environment…