This morning my dad told me it was time to pay our rent. He hates this time of the month, not because he has to pay rent, but because of our landlord. She is a 90-year-old Cajun woman who traps you in her house when you go over.. Earlier today (notice I didn’t say today) I was feeling generous so I told dad I’d bring it for him. He was so excited. THAT’S THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I’VE EVER MADE!!!
I change into an outfit that won’t cause her to bitch about needing to be more modest and I walk over. When I get close to her front door I notice she has a window open. Remember, I live in Louisiana and it’s about 85-90 degrees outside around 10 a.m. She yells for me to “come on in” which I can’t understand so when she opens her door she’s like “COME ON IN!” She answers wearing her little old lady clothes and I notice she’s sweating. This worries me. This could mean her A/C is out. Crap! So I walk in with the rent check in my hand and greet her. Well, I’ve been warned that she will trap you in her house and tell you stories from when she was young and force hot coffee on you. The last thing I want when it’s 90 degrees in this ladies house is COFFEE! I tell her I just ate breakfast and that I don’t want any, but thanks anyways. Okay, issue averted. No wait. Just kidding. She pulls me out a chair at her kitchen table and continues to take TWO coffee mugs out of her cabinet. 2. Not 1. Which means I WILL be drinking hot, gross, instant coffee while trying my hardest not to melt into a puddle. I sit down and watch this pitiful old lady walk around her kitchen to grab the teapot of boiling water from her stove. She walks over and with a shaky hand starts pouring water in my cup. This makes me very nervous. Not only could I leave with sweat drenched clothes, but also a burned lap. Thank goodness she didn’t spill anything! I fixed my coffee (I was not in the mood for any…I don’t particular like coffee when it’s 90 degrees outside) somewhat how I like it because I knew I wouldn’t be there long enough to drink all of it. She complains about the heat and I see she has a window unit in the living room that’s right off of the kitchen. I ask why she doesn’t have it turned on. She then starts to tell me that with the window open and the air running it won’t make much of a difference. So I suggest she close the window and just turn on the air. She is 90 years old so she doesn’t understand this. I feel bad for her which is why I just can’t be mean to her. Hell, I don’t know if I could be mean to any senior citizen.
After accepting the fact that I was trapped with gross coffee and sweltering levels of heat, I take small sips of the coffee and listen to her tales from when she was young. None of these are interesting by the way. If she used to be in the CIA and was a spy or fought wars in the military then I might have been more susceptible. She told me about how she started working at one of the hospitals here when she was 14 and how she worked in the cafeteria. Then she went on to tell me that her husband (who was never around because of his job) went to the Bermuda island or something. She said she was “not one who follows the man”. I agreed with her on that part so every now and then I would nod my head and say “oh okay cool” and “yeah”, thinking the whole time of an escape route. She then continued to tell me how she dropped out of school in the 4th grade and at age 16 or 17 she bought a little house so that she could raise her kids. Obviously the husband came home a few times if you know what I mean.
What my dad failed to mention is that once she starts talking she does NOT stop. I had to wait at least 15 minutes in order to get in “I have to go”. I stood up from my sweat drenched chair and was heading towards the door when she started talking again. Before I stood up, she gave me a piece of advice about not spending my money before I have it and holding on to it, which would have been helpful under different circumstances. I forgot to mention, this lady is a millionaire who is such a tightwad she doesn’t even like giving us gas money for her lawn mower.
I had to listen a little more then I opened the door and escaped. I ran home. I could not wait to walk in and feel AIR CONDITIONING! I do not know how people did it back in the day when it didn’t exist. Kudos to them!
Dad now knows not to ask me to bring the rent check again. He owes me big time. 😉