Serial offenders of the heart

If you’ve ever experienced love or even lust you’ve most likely been hurt. Even if you’re the one who did the breaking up, cheating, leading on, whatever it may be. It hurts to hurt people. Which leads to hurting yourself. Why do people hurt others over and over again? Whether it be physically or emotionally. I would think that learning the lesson once would solve that issue, but sadly that’s not the case at all. It’s like the criminals who rob candy stores or 7-11’s and get arrested. That’s most likely not their first offense which makes them look like idiots. Moving on!

I want to direct this question towards relationships. I see it more often than not and it really bothers me. No one is perfect, but we do hold the capacity to learn from our mistakes. Right? Right. For the cheaters out there, why do you cheat? I will admit I did it once and it hurt me (and the other person involved) so bad that it scarred me for life. Is it caused by selfishness? Yes. You do what YOU want no matter who it hurts. I did it so I know. What about the people who date the same people over and over again and continue to hurt them? A relationship does involve 2 people, yes, but if you really like or love someone who shouldn’t want to hurt them. If Betty doesn’t like how Bob treats her than she has 2 options. Well 3. A) she can dump him B) she can stay and endure it (with no one to blame but herself because now she knows) or C) kill him and dispose of his body in the river down the road. Most (I hope) don’t choose the latter answer because that will most likely end in pain and suffering in the local prison.

Do people deserve to be hurt? Is it a case of revenge? I have been cheated on (before I cheated) and tried my best to return the favor, but just could NOT bring myself to do it. I wanted revenge bad, but was very glad when I did not take it. You know the saying, “once a cheater always a cheater”? Well, that’s not always true. Just because I did it once does not mean I’ll do it repeatedly and just because my ex did it once doesn’t mean he’ll always do it. You’re probably wondering why I cheated since I knew how it felt? Love makes you do crazy things. And loneliness. Although I am not making excuses for myself. What I did was selfish and inconsiderate. I was dating a guy and hadn’t seen him in a couple weeks and discovered one of my exes to be a weakness. I won’t go in to detail, but after I did that I scorned myself for weeks. Months actually. Not only did I hurt myself, but also the boyfriend at the time and my ex. Think about it. Every time someone cheats they hurt multiple people and lose trust that they will NEVER gain back. You may not break up. They may give you another chance, but I can guarantee that they’ll never fully trust you again. Is it worth that? Hell no.

Another form of anguish, on the receiving end, could be being lead on. The guy/girl acts like they really like you by words and/or actions, but will change their mind in the blink of an eye. Literally. It’s like something snaps inside their heads and causes a whole change of events. Yes, you are allowed to change your mind, but make it up quickly so you don’t hurt people. I’ve tried to understand why this happens, meaning, I’ve asked straight out why they did it. I never got a straight forward answer. Ever. The excuses they use confuse me and themselves so I just continue not to know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Think about it. If you didn’t know you were cheated on that one time or told you weren’t good enough (lead on), you would never have hurt inside. Or hurt the other person physically. Hey, it happens. People get very angry and psychotic at times. And not just us “crazy” women. There is truth to that, but I see there being something worse. The issues could drag on and become a bigger problem if not addressed right away. Hell, you could end up falling in love with the person who cheated on you and marry them then one day while you’re dropping your kids off at soccer practice or taking a lunch break, you catch your “perfect” husband/wife with someone else. So I guess getting hurt in the beginning can be better than being hurt in the end. Either way it sucks.

I think the reason people hurt other people could be because as human beings we are selfish. That’s just human nature at it’s rawest. It could be a number of other things too. Or combined. Commitment issues. Fear. Abandonment. I am not justifying these problems as excuses for people to cheat or hurt in whatever way, but a person’s childhood has a lot to do with how they treat other people. I learned all about that in a few of the psychology courses I’ve taken. It helped me understand why people are horrible. It’s not fully their fault, but it is their choice to do it. Everyone has a choice. Everyone can change.

When I am hurt in a relationship, I do think men are pigs. NOT ALL MEN. Just some. Why settle for one when you can have 5, right? There are so many divorces these days that are caused by breaking the fidelity of marriage. I have never been married so I can’t speak for that by experience, but the vows you take on your wedding day should mean something to the both of you. That’s what relationships are all about. Being loyal and having trust in each other. Without trust, there’s nothing. Unless you have an open relationship then anything goes apparently, but for the more normal relationship types out there, it’s all about trusting each other. I know after I was cheated on, I never trusted him again. I was so bitter and bent on revenge that I became obsessed with it all. Everyone knows that an obsession can never lead to anything healthy.

After being hurt by these serial offenders, we must learn to accept it and move on. By moving on, I mean dump their asses and delete them out of your life. Shame on us for remaining in that situation. Once it happens, we should realize it is capable of happening again. Like the people who stay in abusive (physical and mental) relationships. I do feel bad that they were treated badly, but it is their choice to fight or flight. Sometimes it’s smart to just walk away no matter how hurt you are by it. It’ll only get worse.

The serial offenders out there may not even realize or fully understand how bad they are hurting others. The ones hurt may not share their feelings. Some people just don’t enjoy opening up and are very good at hiding it. They could feel embarrassed or ashamed.

If these offenders are never made aware of their actions, are they still bad for doing them?

We’ll see.

-Candice-

 

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2 thoughts on “Serial offenders of the heart

  1. I love this post. I’ve been cheated on before, and as horrible as it makes me feel to admit it but I’ve cheated to, technically (no sex involved). I know that when I did it, I found it hard to trust the person I was with because I knew that they obviously couldn’t totally trust me. So I find it hard to understand how someone can cheat and keep it to themselves whilst carrying on in the relationship and in certain situations also carrying on with the cheating. It wasn’t even so much the guilt that got me. It was the idea that I had done this and they knew nothing about it, I had in a sense gotten away with it. And this is what led me to become paranoid about things that perhaps my other half had done that I didn’t know about. Before then I hadn’t realized how easy it was to keep things from your partner. I was disgusted in myself but it was the eventual undoing of the relationship. Since then I have never cheated, nor had I before that time. I won’t subscribe to the belief that cheating shows faults in the relationship, sometimes yes it does, but not always. Sometimes it reflects merely the feelings of one half of the partnership. I know I was lonely, perhaps a little depressed, I was low on confidence too. But while I acknowledge that it wasn’t the relationship at fault but my feelings, I also hold my hands up and accept all blame. It was not done through any fault of my partner at the time. They did nothing wrong, they were perfect. I just wasn’t in the right place, mentally and/or emotionally. Which is a real shame, because he was a great guy. We have both moved on now and are in new relationships. I am in some ways glad I did it because I have learned about how that situation feels from both sides – I have been cheated on before. I now know what that kind of behavior does to a relationship. But I am also deeply regretful in that I lost a great connection through it. I know we wouldn’t have still been together now, but who knows what would have happened. It’s just one of those things.

    Trust is like a mirror really, you can break it and stick the pieces back together but the cracks will always be visible.

    X

  2. Yes, I understand completely. I cheated (without sex also) and couldn’t believe I had done it because I had always thought of cheaters as terrible people, but there are reasons people do those things. I wasn’t completely over an ex which should’ve been a red light to me, but I went on and dated a guy who would’ve never done that to me. I lost him completely because of that mistake. I definitely learned a lesson from it! Never again. Or I hope! Thank you for sharing and reading! Makes me feel like I’m not alone.

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